Find Your Chosen Family

Thanksgiving may be the single best holiday we have. The smells, the familiar dishes, the small talk in the kitchen, the shared stories that somehow get told every year—it’s a yearly reminder that we belong somewhere. It’s also revealing. As you look around the table, you notice not just who is there, but who’s missing. A parent who has passed. A sibling who moved across the country. A long-time friend who now lives three time zones away. Families change. Households shrink. Life moves.

So, an interesting question: What will your Thanksgiving table look like five years from now? Ten years from now? Who will still be in town, still healthy, still connected, and still part of your day-to-day life?

This is not just a sentimental exercise. It’s a planning question—one that sits at the center of your future well-being.

The Nuclear Family Isn’t Enough

Family is important. But it has also been changing for decades. As David Brooks observes, the nuclear family—two parents and their children living independently—was always more fragile than we care to admit and was actually a short-lived historical anomaly. Extended families once acted as shock absorbers. There were more adults around, more hands to help, more people to step in when life inevitably became complicated.

That world is mostly gone.

Today, people marry later (or not at all), have fewer children, live alone at much higher rates, and move frequently for work or opportunity. Meanwhile, the rise of singlehood around the world is accelerating, driven by cultural shifts, economic factors, and technological developments that make meeting a long-term partner harder, not easier.

None of this means family is obsolete. But it does mean that relying on a shrinking and increasingly scattered nuclear family is no longer sufficient.

Sometimes, your closest friends—the ones who show up before you even ask—are more reliable and capable than far-flung relatives. And sometimes friends are the ones who keep you rooted.

For Solo Agers, Intentionality Is Not Optional

For solo agers—those without partners or children—this is especially important.

In a world where fewer people pair up, and where more people live alone, building a “chosen family” isn’t a luxury or a poetic idea. It’s essential infrastructure. The Economist notes that singlehood is rising across almost every advanced economy, and that people are having fewer long-term partnerships and fewer children. All of this means that for millions, aging will happen without the built-in support systems society once assumed would be there.

A chosen family does not form by accident. It forms through repeated small interactions. Through vulnerability. Through shared meals, shared favors, shared worries, and shared joys. It takes the kind of deliberate effort that doesn’t always come naturally—but pays enormous dividends later.

Some of Your Chosen Family Needs to Live Nearby

Quality relationships matter. But proximity matters too.

Much of life—especially in the second half—happens locally. Who drives you to an appointment after surgery? Who checks in when the power goes out? Who stops by because they haven’t heard from you in a day? Who helps change a lightbulb when you can’t quite reach anymore?

This is why Place Planning and people are inseparable. A place rich in potential friends but devoid of meaningful connection doesn't help you. And meaningful connections that live a thousand miles away can’t help you when you need hands-on support. You need both the right place and the right people.

Local chosen family isn’t just convenient. It’s protective. It’s health-building. It’s aging-in-place-enabling.

Networks Change—So Keep Cultivating

Friendship networks evolve constantly. That’s not something to fear—it’s something to prepare for.

This means:

• Continue meeting new people.

• Say yes to invitations, even when it’s easier to stay home.

• Show up for others, so that people learn you’re a “show up” person.

• Join the groups, clubs, faith communities, and neighborhood circles that naturally create repeated contact.

• Pay attention to who gives you energy—and who you give energy to.

Chosen family is rarely created in dramatic moments. It’s shaped over years of consistency.

Imagine Your Future Thanksgiving Table

So, let’s return to the opening question.

Five or ten years from now, who might be seated around your table?

Maybe a neighbor who became a lifeline. Maybe a couple you met through pickleball. Maybe friends from church, a volunteer group, or your apartment building. Maybe the people who have stepped in and stepped up. Maybe the people you’ll call at midnight when life gets hard.

Your future table will not fill itself. But it can be full—joyfully, meaningfully full—if you begin cultivating your chosen family now.

Because in an era of shrinking households, increased mobility, and rising singlehood, what protects us and sustains us isn’t the size of our biological family. It’s the strength of our chosen one.

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